֍ 46 ֍ Are You With A Narcissist?

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A few years ago I was with a malignant narcissist. Up to that point in my life, I hadn’t been exposed to this personality disorder. I decided to create this post to help others who may be unaware their partner’s a narcissist. These are the top ten behaviors I experienced dating someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (i.e., NPD):

Control • This is the first and foremost personality trait of a narcissist – and therefore at the top of this list. Their entire existence centers around control. It’s not really about controlling their own life but mainly restricting the physical movements of their partner. More insidious is when they begin to systematically sever ties with their partner’s friends and family to mitigate future threats. Advanced stages of subjugation involve controlling their victim’s thoughts and emotions. They have a Ph.D. in manipulation, so debating with a narcissist is fruitless. They’ve honed their skills since childhood. • Coercion • Controlling their partner is all about using manipulative tactics. For example, narcissists use sleep deprivation to get what they want. An “issue” would be introduced just before going to bed. This was always focused on something that I needed to “fix”. I would argue and hold my ground for hours. Then I would realize that she was not letting me sleep until the “issue” was resolved in her favor. At the time I wasn’t aware that sleep deprivation was a narcissistic tactic. I would typically relent in the early hours of the morning after complete physical and psychological exhaustion. I would justify this as a “relationship compromise”, and go to sleep. But after several repeated sleepless nights I realized that compromises to all of her issues were only on my side. • Rules • Narcissists believe that they’re perfect. In a relationship when one side is convinced of their perfection then the other side gets all the blame. They use rules as a form of control. Over time it became apparent that I was being subjected to a set of behavioral changes justified under the guise of, “improving our relationship”. But each rule made her life easier and mine progressively miserable. It was the classic win-lose dilemma. Narcissists are incapable of compromise because they believe there’s nothing for them to fix. At first, I didn’t realize I was being subjected to rules until one day I decided to write them all down. As an INTJ (i.e., Myers Briggs), I’m very self-aware, so I decided to bring clarity to my reality. By writing her rules down I realized that she had a steadfast conviction that all of our “relationship issues” were my fault. By controlling me through rules I was being systematically imprisoned. • Slaves • Female narcissists in particular seek out man-slaves. They whole-heartedly believe that giving themselves to their partner is a privilege, and are therefore entitled to utilize their partner for everything and anything they need. Even in divorce they’ll continue to exploit a former partner with tasks by using her offspring as collateral.
Sociopathic • Narcissists completely lack empathy. They have no compassion for anyone’s feelings. On one occasion she asked me about the death of my father. I told her the story. She then asks me question after question as if on a relentless quest to learn everything about that tragedy. I eventually broke down. She dug too deeply into my soul. As I cried she sat there staring at me with absolutely no emotion. After some time she spoke with a stoic look, “I thought you were over that already”. I realized at that moment that there was something deeply wrong with this person. • Loveless • Narcissists are incapable of feeling true love. They’re under the illusion that they understand love, but within the sociopath bubble of their existence. They will never experience the deep sorrow of love, or its euphoric pain. If empathetic people feel love like an ocean, narcissists understand love as the breeze above its surface. • Egocentric • A narcissist will step on someone’s face the mud to get what they want and then look back and say, “That wasn’t my foot!” They have no compassion, no remorse for the evil they inflict on others. They’re completely self-serving in everything they do. Narcissists have such a convoluted sense of reality that even if they’re perpetually losing, they convince themselves that they’re winning.
Theater • Narcissists are fake criers. As an empath, I witnessed this at a very early stage in our relationship. She was explaining an uncomfortable situation of her past as a means to warn me to not repeat it. Since I feel the emotions of others, I realized that she wasn’t actually crying. Tears were pouring down her cheeks but I was fully aware that it was all an act. The irony is that because narcissists lack empathy, they’re completely oblivious to the fact that an empath sees right through their dramatic performance. I was watching a great actor, and she was fully confident that her performance was convincing. I let it all play out and said nothing. • Liars • Since narcissists are expert actors, they’re also expert liars. Because of this, they assume everyone lies. They’re convinced that the theater of lies they’ve orchestrated is always being fed back to them. This creates self-paranoia in their relationships. I was constantly being accused of lying. • Gaslighting • This is another form of theater. It’s a nefarious way for narcissists to distort reality. An extreme example of gaslighting is when a narcissist is caught cheating on their partner. While in the act itself, they’ll audaciously attempt to convince their partner that they’re not actually cheating. Narcissists will gaslight their partners into believing that they’re sick in one form or another. In the same breath, they’ll tell you, “Don’t worry, I’ll save you”.
Chameleon • Narcissists are amazing chameleons. They shape shift to the interests and behaviors of new acquaintances, as a way to gain trust. It’s a form of manipulative theatre. Once they feel that control has been solidified then their masks are removed and manipulation begins. It’s a way for them to recruit new flying monkeys (i.e., more on that later). Some narcissists have even adapted to simulating empathy and compassion. It’s a learned behavior after observing how others are disturbed by their sociopathic responses to sensitive situations. • Love-Bombing • The chameleon’s role begins in the first months of their relationship. This is the narcissist’s love-bombing stage. They take on the persona of the perfect partner. To the ill-prepared, this may seem unsettling while oddly enticing at the same time. As a middle-aged self-aware male, I know my faults well. I kept asking myself, “Everyone has their faults, so why can’t I see hers?” Most people are on their best behavior during the honeymoon phase but love-bombing is over-the-top theater.
Supply • All narcissists have a grandiose view of themselves and are addicted to feeling special. They have a delusional belief that everyone should adore them and they can’t stand anyone who doesn’t think they’re amazing. This adoration is the source of their narcissistic supply. They love people they can control and hate everyone they can’t. There’s nothing in between. • Cheating • Narcissistic supply is directly correlated to cheating. Once the honeymoon stage of a relationship is over and they no longer feel their partner is bowing to their every whim, then their supply needs to be replenished. A new cycle of love-bombing begins with a new daisy chain of victims. Ironically, because they are chronic cheaters, they will constantly accuse their partner of cheating. (i.e., Cheaters assume everyone is a cheater. Liars assume everyone’s a liar. Thieves assume everyone’s a thief. And on and on it goes).
Puppet Master • Narcissists relish in the despair of others especially when they’re the puppet master. If they control the yo-yo, then it doesn’t matter if it’s up or down. Many empathetic couples mirror each other’s emotions; When their partner is sad, the other feels their pain; When a partner is happy, they share the joy. Not with a narcissist. They relish in the complete manipulation of their partner’s emotional roller coaster. They’re incapable of feeling guilty. Never expect compassion from a narcissist. If you succeed in breaking up with one then expect them to try and destroy you physiologically, financially, or worse. • Flying Monkeys • This metaphor is from the “Wizard of Oz” when the Wicked Witch of the West puts a spell on flying monkeys to do her evil bidding. Narcissist gathers their flying monkeys through friends and family and turns them against their victims. They get an adrenaline rush when they’ve succeeded in coercing their flying monkeys to mimic their toxicity. They’ll even secretly screw their friends if they feel they’ve been wronged, and find deep satisfaction in it. Narcissists love it when they’ve succeeded in orchestrating a shit-storm with their wand. It’s their ultimate power rush. • Resources • Narcissists don’t have friends, they only have acquaintances. They see every friendship as a resource to be exploited. Every favor is a transaction that is expected to be returned when they see fit.
Obsessions • Narcissists keep secrets but expect complete transparency in return. They give the illusion of disclosure to gain their partner’s secrets. I was incessantly pressed on my past. Bizarre conversations would begin with “We don’t keep secrets, right? We agreed at the very beginning of our relationship that we’d never keep any secrets between us. Do you have any secrets that you’re not telling me? I feel you are not telling me something. What aren’t you telling me?” I would answer, “What do you mean specifically?” She would repeat, “This is my point! Why are you holding secrets from me?” I would respond with, “What are you talking about exactly?” This pattern of psychological interrogation would go on for hours. It was obsessive and delusional. • Blackmail • All secrets are eventually turned into blackmail. Their obsession to gain secrets is served to use them against you. It’s a Miranda Rights scenario, “Everything you say and do will be one day used against you.” • Retribution • A narcissist once told me a few years back, “When someone pisses me off, or have wronged me in some way – I’ll eventually find a way to stab them in the back. But I’ll do it in a way they’ll never know it was me. I don’t even give a shit if it’s a ‘friend‘ or family member!” (Side note: I’ve long since severed ties with this person). Narcissist’s are bent on revenge, and they find great satisfaction in it. They’ll deploy their vengeance deliberately and directly. Or they’ll use flying monkeys to do their bidding.
Superiority • Narcissists feel superior to others, to the extent that they feel like nobility amongst commoners. Those who don’t adore them are the enemy. • Demeaning • Their delusional sense of superiority manifests into constantly talking down to people as if they’re 12 years old. Empathic people tend to teach each other what they know through conversation, gaining new knowledge from each other along the way. Narcissists “school” everyone to how the world works. It’s their way of reinforcing their illusion of intellectual superiority.
Insecurity • Narcissists are deeply insecure and completely unaware of it. Because they’re convinced of their social superiority this fogs them from reality. Their confidence is a façade. They have no self-reflection of their insecurities because it’s hidden behind thick layers of narcissism. Those attempting to expose a narcissist’s insecurities will face their fury and wrath. • Jealousy • Their insecurities manifest into hysterical jealousy and a deep fear of abandonment. A narcissist won’t see jealousy as an insecurity. They justify jealousy as a normal dynamic of every relationship. • Victim • They’ll only accept the illusion of responsibility because narcissists have zero accountability – unless they’re actions are perceived as positive. When all goes to shit, their finger pointing begins, because narcissists will always play the victim. It’s a core behavioral trait of their insecurity.
Perfection • Empathetic people believe that a debate is a learning experience for both parties involved. Either party may change their opinion on a topic when new information is presented. The problem is that a narcissist is incapable of admitting they’re wrong. They care nothing about their partner’s opinion. They wholeheartedly believe that they’re the smartest person in the room. No one will sway their beliefs. Their entire goal in a debate is to “school” everyone to their reality. They’ll listen to nothing you have to say and will only monologue their views. Arguing with a narcissist is a black hole of wasted time. • Vanity • Their obsession with perfection means that they’ll invest hours in making themselves presentable to their audience. Their makeup or clothes are manifestations of their reality. Narcissism is derived from the mythological Greek figure, Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection. This is often the default understanding of a narcissist, but only scratches the surface of their abhorrent pathology. For this reason, it’s featured last on this list.

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I realized near the end of my relationship with a narcissist, that our brain’s plasticity is not strong enough to resist long-term subjugation.

I wasn’t educated on the pathology of narcissism before this relationship, so I was ill-prepared for the roller coaster that ensued. Luckily, I was only subjected to its toxicity for twenty-one months. The thing is, as a confident person, her endless mission to get under my skin had failed. When I finally told her that I would no longer accept any more rules, I unknowingly cut off her narcissistic supply. We broke up soon after I’d put my foot down. But she succeeded in establishing 21 rules – one for every month of our relationship. I escaped relatively unscathed, but the negative repercussions to my family took a while to repair.

I realized near the end of this relationship, that our brain’s plasticity is not strong enough to resist long-term subjugation. Friends criticized me for not breaking the relationship sooner. Everyone had 20/20 clarity in their judgments of me and my struggles. Ironically, once I was able to explain everything from the perspective of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder some who judged me awoke in their own prison. The contrast was that I had been cognizant of the psychological abuse I was being subjected to. My friends on the other hand had been oblivious to their reality for decades. What I classified as narcissistic enslavement they accepted long ago as a relationship adversity.

On the final day of our relationship and at the end of a five-hour argument about my personality faults, I was asked to read a letter she had addressed to me. It essentially stated that if we were to stay together I would need to be subjugated to her will. If I refused then we needed to break up. At that very moment, I realized it was my chance to put an end to this near two-year shitstorm. I told her that I wanted to break up. At that moment we got up and walked in separate directions. I never looked back and never spoke to her again. This was an important finale because she had given me an ultimatum while not losing face. Narcissists need to be in control right to the end. My entire family was relieved to hear the news. It took about a year to clean up all the toxic fallout that negatively affected the ones I loved the most. I take full responsibility for all the damage that I caused.

P.S. I joked for months after our breakup that I had “PTRD” (i.e., Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder). In hindsight, it was true to a certain extent. Although she didn’t break me, she succeeded in making a thousand cuts that took about a year to heal. After this relationship ended, I vowed to end all toxicity from my life. I have since severed ties with all narcissists from my inner circle.

Disclaimer: I have no formal education in psychology or psychiatry. These are purely my observations, and nothing written here should be construed as clinical or medical advice.

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